Thanksgiving has always been
my least favorite holiday. It’s stressful,
and there’s family tension. I dread it every year. So, this year I’m doing
something new. I’m celebrating Selfsgiving. I’m just so thankful that
none of you could be here today. When you think about it, everything about Thanksgiving
should be awesome. It’s the people
who make it terrible. It’s dry. I need more sauce.
And there’s none left in there. Where is the sauce?
(yelling) I don’t want his sauce!
It’s garbage sauce! Robert ate the sauce!
I want my own sauce! You can just go home
and get your own sauce. All right! And while Friendgiving fixes
the people problem, the food is always worse.
Last year I made a turkey, and my friends
brought wine and chips, because they are
lazy alcoholics. With Selfsgiving, I get to do
exactly what I wanna do. Just eat. Haven’t you had enough wine? No, Mom.
I’ve never had enough wine. Now, we’re gonna say grace
to whatever God I would like to pray to.
Dear Whitney Houston … Who here has a problem
with gay people? No one. I’m so happy. And then, when I’m done,
I roll up the tablecloth, throw it all out, and watch Real Housewives
until I fall asleep. No, I don’t hate my family. I just don’t like being
around them or talking to them. I have more reasons too.
I could give you more reasons. I don’t know if hell
is other people, but right now I am in heaven. Now, get the (bleep)
out of my house. Go ahead, get the (bleep) out.