Selfsgiving Is the Thanksgiving You Really Want

Thanksgiving has always been
my least favorite holiday. It’s stressful,
and there’s family tension. I dread it every year. So, this year I’m doing
something new. I’m celebrating Selfsgiving. I’m just so thankful that
none of you could be here today. When you think about it, everything about Thanksgiving
should be awesome. It’s the people
who make it terrible. It’s dry. I need more sauce.
And there’s none left in there. Where is the sauce?
(yelling) I don’t want his sauce!
It’s garbage sauce! Robert ate the sauce!
I want my own sauce! You can just go home
and get your own sauce. All right! And while Friendgiving fixes
the people problem, the food is always worse.
Last year I made a turkey, and my friends
brought wine and chips, because they are
lazy alcoholics. With Selfsgiving, I get to do
exactly what I wanna do. Just eat. Haven’t you had enough wine? No, Mom.
I’ve never had enough wine. Now, we’re gonna say grace
to whatever God I would like to pray to.
Dear Whitney Houston … Who here has a problem
with gay people? No one. I’m so happy. And then, when I’m done,
I roll up the tablecloth, throw it all out, and watch Real Housewives
until I fall asleep. No, I don’t hate my family. I just don’t like being
around them or talking to them. I have more reasons too.
I could give you more reasons. I don’t know if hell
is other people, but right now I am in heaven. Now, get the (bleep)
out of my house. Go ahead, get the (bleep) out.

100 thoughts on “Selfsgiving Is the Thanksgiving You Really Want”

  1. I actually did this 3 years ago. Was the best thanksgiving I've ever had. I made a small bird, with all the "fixins". Ate my food, and got stoned all day while playing video games and watching tv. It was amazing.

  2. I did this the other night, before I watched this, what a coincidence. I made love to my headless turkey, then cooked it, then made love to it again, then ate it, naked, while crying, me, my 2 dogs and I just sat here, alone, eating it all. Something tells me you stalking creeps already knew that. Nano cameras? How do you do it?

  3. it's sad to me that ppl really feel this way, cooking with family and friends is an incredibly important human ritual, bread and salt…

  4. And don't forget selfsexing that's where you have sex with yourself and that same bottle of wine and complain about not finding the right one to love you lmfaooooo

  5. I'm still debating if I should stay home and cook a turkey and ham for myself or spend it at my aunt's house?!?! Someone decide for me..

  6. Epilogue: She dies at an old age, alone, childless, discovered by her landlord a week too late…her seven cats having already half-consumed her rotting corpse. The end.

  7. fuck yeah!
    all manditory "family traditionns" suck!
    I could completely do without ALL my fucking republican christian climate change denying relatives being in one room with me!

  8. THANSGIVING FROM NICK…Another gift from myself to all creatures of this Universe other than the demonic; Procedural wealth and it's even without the need for My High Power; The Final Ideology of Eternal Goodness. Within the very wrongful system of felonious law and government 'We the Qualifying' are to have unlimited cash. If the following scenario can be allowed within the law, we should have our cash delivered directly to us from The U.S. Mint. Because the government utilizes misapplications of impositions (Forced usage of Fiat money, forced commerce, forced taxation, forced payment of legislative salaries, forced following of law, forced court processes and forced fighting of wars) we can charge the government an unlimited fee. We as citizens are allowed to form our own companies. We can charge for goods and services. If we want to get as silly as possible we could charge someone asking us a question expecting an answer. You are at a restaurant and the cashier asks 'Hello, how can I help you?' and you say, 'Do you want me to answer you?' and she says 'Yes', you say, 'I own and operate an answering service called (Your name here) answering service with an unlimited fee amount,' I'm charging you an unlimited amount of money to answer you'. 'Well, I don't have enough money to pay you'. 'Well, what DO YOU have?'. 'This restaurant'. 'Ok, I'll take that'. She solicited you for an answer and you charged her.—— With the government, I would charge an unlimited fee. 'Nick's Imposition Acceptance Unlimited Fee Company'. 'Ok Nick, but, we the government are broke, in fact, we have a 21 Trillion dollar debt'. 'We would have to go deeper in debt to pay you'. 'What DO YOU have for me?' 'We have buildings and furniture'. 'Ok, I'll do what I want with those things'.—— Does anyone out there want to buy a few desks and chairs at $500 per set? I think you can see how ridiculous the governmental system is, but, if they want to get silly about it then they owe me their furniture. A HAPPY THANSGIVING TO ALL DESERVING OF THE HONOR.

  9. She is so.right, to be able to eat in peace and watch 3 football games without a bunch of people ruining the game. Priceless!

  10. I do this all the time only because I live across the country from family. And friendsgiving, lol, spot on! So now I would have to put up with them, or thier extended family….I trust my own cooking, on my time….soooo excited.

  11. This was amazing. For a solitary person this is no problem whatsoever and is neither depressing or sad. I’ve involuntarily celebrated Selfsgiving many times over the years and loved it…I just never had a name for it.
    Now I do. Oh and 0:11 is like looking in a mirror…

  12. Best suggestion i ever had
    But you should let some homeless come in

    I mean, we share same life story with them
    In some unparticular ways

  13. Disgusting. This reeks of failed relationships, piles of dirty laundry, and cat piss. Women like this are the Dodos of Western Civilization.

  14. One year I went home for Christmas, thinking it would be fun. The morning of, two hours before guests would show up for lunch, my mother….as per usu….decides to just start yelling at me because my sister made a mess in the kitchen. And she’s freaking out that everyone was going to be there so soon and I better clean it up (again….no one would be coming over for hours) and she kicked me out to the store to get something

    At the grocery store, I actually looked at the cashiers and felt jealous. Because they had an excuse to avoid their families

  15. dude this looks fucking LIT and EXACTLY what i need this year. Perfect. Easy. Satisfying. Relaxing. I'm suddenly looking forward to my Thanksgiving off and im not goin fuckin anywhere or socializing with anyone and Im gonna fuckin LOVE it.

  16. My mom and I enjoy each other but not many other family members. For years we've cooked a smaller meal, laughed, worn pajamas, watched TV, and sipped on wine. When I was younger people thought it was sad but now they are all jealous lol.

  17. This is my nightmare. Thanksgiving is my husband and myself. The kids are all over the world and I’m not a Smother. So if something happens to one of us it’s a lonely day. I think I’ll start inviting people I know are alone.
    I love thanksgiving.
    And to waste that food right now when there are kids that are incarcerated on the border makes this not so funny.

  18. Every woman in 2018 wonders why they can’t find a decent guy.

    Go ahead and ask yourself if this thing resembles anyone you’d want to be around for two minutes.

  19. Are you kidding me? I only go to thanksgiving at my parents house to watch the insanity unfold. If it gets boring it’s beyond easy to throw another log onto that inferno & witness more of it.

  20. This year for Thanksgiving I went by myself to iHop. There was only one other table there eventually they left and I had the whole restaurant to myself it was so peaceful 😊

  21. This video is almost four months old, has 44,000 + views and over 1000 likes, yet shows 0 comments. Not to mention this just hit my inbox today (4 March 2019). Not a terrible video though.

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